• 999,999 ways to die in the west: a Transformers Extinction review

    by  • July 13, 2014 • Everything Else • 0 Comments

    A sequel.

    Patrick Stewart is the sheriff. He breaks his leg in a fall from a horse and is expected to die. Word is sent to send a new sheriff, a coffin made, but miraculously he starts to make a slow recovery.

    Right about when he’s able to hobble around on crutches, the replacement sheriff arrives. It’s Vin Diesel, all fired up for his role as the toughest lawman in the west. “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us” type action ensues, complicated by Patrick Stewart’s heir, who is one of a variety of stock characters with twists: a total idiot; gay (insert the “one drunken, lonely night out on the prarie” subplot with Vin Diesel!); gay, butch and female (romantic triangle with her girlfriend and Diesel); other stock characters go here.

    The Existential Threat in the piece is rampaging Mormon settlers. The deux ex machina salvation is Chinese rail road construction labourers who, obviously, bring their kung fun talents to bear using picks, shovels, dynamite and other common items from the rail road construction business, levelling the town in the course of a catastrophic brawl with the invading Mormons, bound and determined to drive the townsfolk to extinction. Get Jackie Chan in.

    This is what your brain does when watching Transformers. It’s that bad. Enjoy!

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    Vinay Gupta is a consultant on disaster relief and risk management.


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